There are times when I’m expected to be somewhere, and I skip steps in getting ready so that I can masturbate a little longer. I’ll need to be at that somewhere by a certain time, and I lay in bed as the minutes turn into hours, making myself orgasm over and over, promising the universe “Just one more and I’ll be on my way,” only to make the same promise five minutes later. As each orgasm passes, I lose the chance to do my hair properly. . Sometimes, I devise an excuse about traffic and just plan on being late altogether. The process is very time-sensitive—I have exactly thirteen seconds after an orgasm to get up and shake it off before I get horny again. Thirteen seconds goes by pretty fast, so it’s a pretty demanding act, in terms of will. If procrasturbating were an Olympic sport, I’d be a fucking gold medalist. But like I said, I don’t need help—I’ve designed a system: I get ready an hour ahead of time so that I’m free to touch myself until the very last second, until I need to. ”She heard him breathing into the phone and plunged ahead. “I want you to know that I still have feelings for you. I ... I want ... I hope we can be friends.”“Stop right there,” Steve said after finding his voice. “You’ve fucked me over twice now. Never bothered to give me a reason why you dumped me. I spent a fortune on that so-called engagement ring. In fact, I’m still making payments on it. You didn’t bother returning it as most women would, especially when YOU broke it off.“Now you call me up at midnight saying you want us to be friends? What the fuck is wrong with you? I don’t want to be your friend. I want that goddamn ring back! You can send it FedEx tomorrow ... I mean, today since it’s already tomorrow. Oh shit! I don’t know half of what I’m saying!”“Steve—Steve—Steve! Please forgive me. I—I’ve had some issues, you know?”“No, I don’t know, Gabby. Issues are something normal people ... people who are engaged to be married usually try to discuss. I don’t recall any discussion.
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